ASasingleman,IhavespentagooddealofmytimeinnotingdowntheinfirmitiesofMarriedPeople,toconsolemyselfforthosesuperiorpleasures,whichtheytellmeIhavelostbyremainingasIam.
Icannotsaythatthequarrelsofmenandtheirwivesevermadeanygreatimpressionuponme,orhadmuchtendencytostrengthenmeinthoseanti-socialresolutions,whichItookuplongagouponmoresubstantialconsiderations.WhatoftenestoffendsmeatthehousesofmarriedpersonswhereIvisit,isanerrorofquiteadifferentdescription;——itisthattheyaretooloving.
Nottoolovingneither:thatdoesnotexplainmymeaning.Besides,whyshouldthatoffendme?Theveryactofseparatingthemselvesfromtherestoftheworld,tohavethefullerenjoymentofeachotherssociety,impliesthattheypreferoneanothertoalltheworld.
ButwhatIplainofis,thattheycarrythispreferencesoundisguisedly,theyperkitupinthefacesofussinglepeoplesoshamelessly,youcannotbeintheirpanyamomentwithoutbeingmadetofeel,bysomeindirecthintoropenavowal,thatyouarenottheobjectofthispreference.Nowtherearesomethingswhichgivenooffence,whileimpliedortakenforgrantedmerely;butexpressed,thereismuchoffenceinthem.Ifamanweretoaccostthefirsthomely-featuredorplain-dressedyoungwomanofhisacquaintance,andtellherbluntly,thatshewasnothandsomeorrichenoughforhim,andhecouldnotmarryher,hewoulddeservetobekickedforhisillmanners;yetnolessisimpliedinthefact,thathavingaccessandopportunityofputtingthequestiontoher,hehasneveryetthoughtfittodoit.Theyoungwomanunderstandsthisasclearlyasifitwereputintowords;butnoreasonableyoungwomanwouldthinkofmakingthisthegroundofaquarrel.Justaslittlerighthaveamarriedcoupletotellmebyspeeches,andlooksthatarescarcelessplainthanspeeches,thatIamnotthehappyman,theladyschoice.ItisenoughthatIknowIamnot:Idonotwantthisperpetualreminding.
Thedisplayofsuperiorknowledgeorrichesmaybemadesufficientlymortifying;buttheseadmitofapalliative.Theknowledgewhichisbroughtouttoinsultme,mayaccidentallyimproveme;andintherichmanshousesandpictures,——hisparksandgardens,Ihaveatemporaryusufructatleast.Butthedisplayofmarriedhappinesshasnoneofthesepalliatives:itisthroughoutpure,unrepensed,unqualifiedinsult.
Marriagebyitsbesttitleisamonopoly,andnotoftheleastinvidioussort.Itisthecunningofmostpossessorsofanyexclusiveprivilegetokeeptheiradvantageasmuchoutofsightaspossible,thattheirlessfavouredneighbours,seeinglittleofthebenefit,maythelessbedisposedtoquestiontheright.Butthesemarriedmonopoliststhrustthemostobnoxiouspartoftheirpatentintoourfaces.
Nothingistomemoredistastefulthanthatentireplacencyandsatisfactionwhichbeaminthecountenancesofanew-marriedcouple,——inthatoftheladyparticularly:ittellsyou,thatherlotisdisposedofinthisworld:thatyoucanhavenohopesofher.Itistrue,Ihavenone;norwisheseither,perhaps:butthisisoneofthosetruthswhichought,asIsaidbefore,tobetakenforgranted,notexpressed.
Theexcessiveairswhichthosepeoplegivethemselves,foundedontheignoranceofusunmarriedpeople,wouldbemoreoffensiveiftheywerelessirrational.Wewillallowthemtounderstandthemysteriesbelongingtotheirowncraftbetterthanwewhohavenothadthehappinesstobemadefreeofthepany:buttheirarroganceisnotcontentwithintheselimits.Ifasinglepersonpresumetoofferhisopinionintheirpresence,thoughuponthemostindifferentsubject,heisimmediatelysilencedasaninpetentperson.Nay,ayoungmarriedladyofmyacquaintance,who,thebestoftheJestwas,hadnotchangedherconditionaboveafortnightbefore,inaquestiononwhichIhadthemisfortunetodifferfromher,respectingtheproperestmodeofbreedingoystersfortheLondonmarket,hadtheassurancetoaskwithasneer,howsuchanoldBachelorasIcouldpretendtoknowanythingaboutsuchmatters.
ButwhatIhavespokenofhithertoisnothingtotheairswhichthesecreaturesgivethemselveswhentheye,astheygenerallydo,tohavechildren.WhenIconsiderhowlittleofararitychildrenare,——thateverystreetandblindalleyswarmswiththem,——thatthepoorestpeoplemonlyhavetheminmostabundance,——thattherearefewmarriagesthatarenotblestwithatleastoneofthesebargains,——howoftentheyturnoutill,anddefeatthefondhopesoftheirparents,takingtoviciouscourses,whichendinpoverty,disgrace,thegallows,&c——Icannotformylifetellwhatcauseforpridetherecanpossiblybeinhavingthem.Iftheywereyoungphoenixes,indeed,thatwerebornbutoneinayear,theremightbeapretext.Butwhentheyaresomon-
Idonotadverttotheinsolentmeritwhichtheyassumewiththeirhusbandsontheseoccasions.Letthemlooktothat.Butwhywe,whoarenottheirnatural-bornsubjects,shouldbeexpectedtobringourspices,myrrh,andincense,——ourtributeandhomageofadmiration,——Idonotsee.
"Likeasthearrowsinthehandofthegiant,evensoaretheyoungchildren:"sosaystheexcellentofficeinourPrayer-bookappointedforthechurchingofwomen."Happyisthemanthathathhisquiverfullofthem:"SosayI;butthendontlethimdischargehisquiveruponusthatareweaponless;——letthembearrows,butnottogallandstickus.Ihavegenerallyobservedthatthesearrowsaredouble-headed:theyhavetwoforks,tobesuretohitwithoneortheother.Asforinstance,whenyoueintoahousewhichisfullofchildren,ifyouhappentotakenonoticeofthem(youarethinkingofsomethingelse,perhaps,andturnadeafeartotheirinnocentcaresses),youaresetdownasuntractable,morose,ahaterofchildren.Ontheotherhand,ifyoufindthemmorethanusuallyengaging,ifyouaretakenwiththeirprettymanners,andsetaboutinearnesttorompandplaywiththem,somepretextorotherissuretobefoundforsendingthemoutoftheroom:theyaretoonoisyorboisterous,orMr——doesnotlikechildren.Withoneorotheroftheseforksthearrowissuretohityou.
Icouldforgivetheirjealousy,anddispensewithtoyingwiththeirbrats,ifitgivesthemanypain;butIthinkitunreasonabletobecalledupontolovethem,whereIseenooccasion,——toloveawholefamily,perhaps,eight,nine,orten,indiscriminately,tolovealltheprettydears,becausechildrenaresoengaging.
Iknowthereisaproverb,"Loveme,lovemydog:"thatisnotalwayssoverypracticable,particularlyifthedogbesetuponyoutoteaseyouorsnapatyouinsport.Butadogoralesserthing——anyinanimatesubstance,asakeep-sake,awatchoraring,atree,ortheplacewherewelastpartedwhenmyfriendwentawayuponalongabsence,Icanmakeshifttolove,becauseIlovehim,andanythingthatremindsmeofhim;provideditbeinitsnatureindifferent,andapttoreceivewhateverhuefancycangiveit.Butchildrenhavearealcharacterandanessentialbeingofthemselves:theyareamiableorunamiableperse;ImustloveorhatethemasIseecauseforeitherintheirqualities.Achildsnatureistooseriousathingtoadmitofitsbeingregardedasamereappendagetoanotherbeing,andtobelovedorhatedaccordingly:theystandwithmeupontheirownstock,asmuchasmenandwomendo.O!butyouwillsay,sureitisanattractiveage,thereissomethinginthetenderyearsofinfancythatofitselfcharmsus.ThatistheveryreasonwhyIammoreniceaboutthem.Iknowthatasweetchildisthesweetestthinginnature,notevenexceptingthedelicatecreatureswhichbearthem;buttheprettierthekindofathingis,themoredesirableitisthatitshouldbeprettyofitskind.Onedaisydiffersnotmuchfromanotheringlory;butavioletshouldlookandsmellthedaintiest——Iwasalwaysrathersqueamishinmywomenandchildren.
Butthisisnottheworst:onemustbeadmittedintotheirfamiliarityatleast,beforetheycanplainofinattention.Itimpliesvisits,andsomekindofintercourse.Butifthehusbandbeamanwithwhomyouhavelivedonafriendlyfootingbeforemarriage,ifyoudidnoteinonthewifesside,——ifyoudidnotsneakintothehouseinhertrain,butwereanoldfriendinfasthabitsofintimacybeforetheircourtshipwassomuchasthoughton,——lookaboutyou——yourtenureisprecarious——beforeatwelve-monthshallrolloveryourhead,youshallfindyouroldfriendgraduallygrowcoolandalteredtowardsyou,andatlastseekopportunitiesofbreakingwithyou.Ihavescarceamarriedfriendofmyacquaintance,uponwhosefirmfaithIcanrely,whosefriendshipdidnotmenceaftertheperiodofhismarriage.Withsomelimitationstheycanendurethat:butthatthegoodmanshouldhavedaredtoenterintoasolemnleagueoffriendshipinwhichtheywerenotconsulted,thoughithappenedbeforetheyknewhim,——beforetheythatarenowaremanandwifeevermet,——thisisintolerabletothem.Everylongfriendship,everyoldauthenticintimacy,musthebroughtintotheirofficetobenewstampedwiththeircurrency,asasovereignPrincecallsinthegoodoldmoneythatwascoinedinsomereignbeforehewasbornorthoughtof,tobenewmarkedandmintedwiththestampofhisauthority,beforehewillletitpasscurrentintheworld.YoumayguesswhatluckgenerallybefallssucharustypieceofmetalasIaminthesenewmintings.
Innumerablearethewayswhichtheytaketoinsultandwormyououtoftheirhusbandsconfidence.Laughingatallyousaywithakindofwonder,asifyouwereaqueerkindoffellowthatsaidgoodthings,butanoddity,isoneoftheways——theyhaveaparticularkindofstareforthepurpose——tillatlastthehusband,whousedtodefertoyourjudgment,andwouldpassoversomeexcrescencesofunderstandingandmannerforthesakeofageneralveinofobservation(notquitevulgar)whichheperceivedinyou,beginstosuspectwhetheryouarenotaltogetherahumorist,——afellowwellenoughtohaveconsortedwithinhisbachelordays,butnotquitesopropertobeintroducedtoladies.Thismaybecalledthestaringway;andisthatwhichhasoftenestbeenputinpracticeagainstme.
Thenthereistheexaggeratingway,orthewayofirony:thatis,wheretheyfindyouanobjectofespecialregardwiththeirhusband,whoisnotsoeasilytobeshakenfromthelastingattachmentfoundedonesteemwhichhehasconceivedtowardsyou;bynever-qualifiedexaggerationstocryupallthatyousayordo,tillthegoodman,whounderstandswellenoughthatitisalldoneinplimenttohim,growswearyofthedebtofgratitudewhichisduetosomuchcandor,andbyrelaxingalittleonhispart,andtakingdownapegortwoinhisenthusiasm,sinksatlengthtothatkindlylevelofmoderateesteem,——that"decentaffectionandplacentkindness"towardsyou,wheresheherselfcanjoininsympathywithhimwithoutmuchstretchandviolencetohersincerity.
Anotherway(forthewaystheyhavetoacplishsodesirableapurposeareinfinite)is,withakindofinnocentsimplicity,continuallytomistakewhatitwaswhichfirstmadetheirhusbandfondofyou.Ifanesteemforsomethingexcellentinyourmoralcharacterwasthatwhichrivetedthechainwhichsheistobreak,uponanyimaginarydiscoveryofawantofpoignancyinyourconversation,shewillcry,"Ithought,mydear,youdescribedyourfriend,Mr——asagreatwit."If,ontheotherhand,itwasforsomesupposedcharminyourconversationthathefirstgrewtolikeyou,andwascontentforthistooverlooksometriflingirregularitiesinyourmoraldeportment,uponthefirstnoticeofanyofthesesheasreadilyexclaims,"This,mydear,isyourgoodMr."OnegoodladywhomItookthelibertyofexpostulatingwithfornotshowingmequitesomuchrespectasIthoughtduetoherhusbandsoldfriend,hadthecandourtoconfesstomethatshehadoftenheardMr——speakofmebeforemarriage,andthatshehadconceivedagreatdesiretobeacquaintedwithme,butthatthesightofmehadverymuchdisappointedherexpectations;forfromherhusbandsrepresentationsofme,shehadformedanotionthatshewastoseeafine,tall,officer-likelookingman(Iuseherverywords);theveryreverseofwhichprovedtobethetruth.Thiswascandid;andIhadthecivilitynottoaskherinreturn,howshecametopitchuponastandardofpersonalacplishmentsforherhusbandsfriendswhichdifferedsomuchfromhisown;formyfriendsdimensionsasnearaspossibleapproximatetomine;hestandingfivefeetfiveinhisshoes,inwhichIhavetheadvantageofhimbyabouthalfaninch;andhenomorethanmyselfexhibitinganyindicationsofamartialcharacterinhisairorcountenance.
ThesearesomeofthemortificationswhichIhaveencounteredintheabsurdattempttovisitattheirhouses.Toenumeratethemallwouldbeavainendeavour:Ishallthereforejustglanceattheverymonimproprietyofwhichmarriedladiesareguilty,oftreatingusasifweweretheirhusbands,andviceversa.Imean,whentheyuseuswithfamiliarity,andtheirhusbandswithceremony.Testacea,forinstance,keptmetheothernighttwoorthreehoursbeyondmyusualtimeofsupping,whileshewasfrettingbecauseMr——didnotehome,tilltheoysterswereallspoiled,ratherthanshewouldheguiltyoftheimpolitenessoftouchingoneinhisabsence.Thiswasreversingthepointofgoodmanners:forceremonyisaninventiontotakeofftheuneasyfeelingwhichwederivefromknowingourselvestobelesstheobjectofloveandesteemwithafellow-creaturethansomeotherpersonis.Itendeavorstomakeupbysuperiorattentionsinlittlepoints,forthatinvidiouspreferencewhichitisforcedtodenyinthegreater.HadTestaceakepttheoystersbackforme,andwithstoodherhusbandsimportunitiestogotosupper,shewouldhaveactedaccordingtothestrictrulesofpropriety.Iknownoceremonythatladiesareboundtoobservetotheirhusbands,beyondthepointofamodestbehaviouranddecorum:thereforeImustprotestagainstthevicariousgluttonyofCerasia,whoatherowntablesentawayadishofMorellas,whichIwasapplyingtowithgreatgoodwill,toherhusbandattheotherendofthetable,andremendedaplateoflessextraordinarygoose-berriestomyunweddedpalateintheirstead.NeithercanIexcusethewantonaffrontof-
ButIamwearyofstringingupallmymarriedacquaintancebyRomandenominations.Letthemamendandchangetheirmanners,orIpromisetorecordthefull-lengthEnglishoftheirnames,totheterrorofallsuchdesperateoffendersinfuture.
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